The lights in the trailer were turned off save for a handful of the high wattage bulbs framing the mirror Will stared into. The disparity in lighting between the blacked out trailer interior and the mirror lights reflecting off Will’s makeup created a soft glow outlining his face. Will stared indifferently at the mirror, looking into his own eyes: beyond the sagging afro and smeared face paint, his skin feeling taut after his outburst, catching glimpses of something, but what exactly?
Will!
The director had entered the trailer without Will noticing, and before he could respond all the lights were turned on; forcing him to lower his head, and chasing any immediate response from his mind.
Will, that was great. I’m not exactly sure what you were going for, but it was hilarious. I really think you’re onto something.
It wasn’t a joke.
You’re goddamn right it wasn’t a joke, it was fucking hilarious. Fortunately someone on set was recording with their phone, so we don’t have to wait for the dailies to come back.
What do you mean someone was recording?
One of the lighting guys had his phone out and was recording you improv. He got pretty much all of it. He already put it on YouTube and the thing has taken off; it’s gotten close to half a million views in a little over an hour. #FerrellFreakout is trending in North America across Twitter and Facebook, on Instagram people are posting pictures of themselves yelling and tagging them #FridayFreakout. Let me read you some of these tweets.
I wasn’t joking, Adam.
“All I asked for was ‘no pickles,’ is that so hard to underst…IHATEYOUIDONTWANTTHISCHICKENSANDWICH! #FerrellFreakout”
“Such a beautiful day outside, glad I’m stuck in rush hour traffic. IHATEYOUIDONTWANTTHISTRAFFIC #FerrellFreakout #sarcasim”
This one is just a GIF of a raccoon trying to cross the street with its head stuck inside a can of ravioli. All it says is “IHATEYOURAVIOLIIDIDNTWANTTHIS #FerrellFreakout #FeralFreakout?”
I wasn’t joking Adam. I mean, I don’t hate you, but I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to do something important. I want to have a message, a real message that’s carried throughout the movie. I want that video taken down. This isn't a joke. That guy shouldn’t have been recording me, that’s not right.
Will, I totally understand, we’re on the same page, but we have to jump on this. It could be great marketing for Funny or Die, or the movie; maybe even a quick spot on SNL when it's released, the monologue practically writes itself. You don’t have to be involved with every aspect, but if we could get another video out by the end of the day, something “candid,” no more than thirty seconds long, we could have a marketing juggernaut on our hands. Just hang out in your trailer for a little bit, start thinking about another freak out, a quick sketch that we could knock out before or after a scene from the movie, we’ll keep the cell phone camera to add to the authenticity; I'll get the writers to knock out a few ideas. We could be looking at five million views by the end of the day easily, fifteen to twenty million by the end of the week. That’s powerful stuff, Will. I’m going to send Maria back in here so she can get your makeup and wardrobe ready. Maybe an hour, hour and a half and we can get back to it; only when you’re ready though, take your time.
Adam didn’t wait for a response from Will before exiting; he swung the trailer door open and stepped out as giddy as a student on the last day of school. Before the door had closed a hand slid in and drew it open gently. Maria approached Will from behind, avoiding his eye contact in the mirror.
Are you ready Mr. Ferrell?
Yeah.
EPILOGUE
Mark was sitting in the back of the classroom. He always sat in the back, but unlike most other times, today he was early; fifteen minutes early to be exact, and no one else had arrived to the lecture hall yet, so he sat in the back row and stared out at the empty expanse. At least one hundred empty seats, probably empty since last night's class over twelve hours ago. Mark wasn't sure of the numbers, but he certainly had never experienced a classroom like this before. The experience quickly became unnerving, escalating rather quickly from curiosity to creepy. Mark suddenly felt like an unsuspecting college student in a horror movie, or an unknowing contestant on a hidden camera prank show. To take his mind off the paranoia he took his phone out and started browsing Facebook.
His News Feed was filled with standard fare for a Tuesday morning, which is to say, not much. He scrolled through what seemed like an endless stream of posts about traffic, waking up early, or pictures of food, the last making him regret skipping the cafeteria and heading straight for class. He switched to YouTube and scrolled through the front page, which was full of videos vaguely related to his search history; he eventually chose a video titled “twirl-a-squirrel.” As he tapped on the video an ad began to load. His eyes went immediately to the bottom right corner to look for the “Skip this ad” banner, but instead saw a countdown timer indicating the ad was unskippable.
The American Cancer Society insignia faded in from black followed by the text “The American Cancer Society has an important message…” Mark understood that these ads were usually contextual and was curious who thought an ad about cancer would be good before a video of a squirrel spinning itself off a bird feeder, but as the introductory text faded out a new sentence faded in providing some clarification: “brought to you by Will Ferrell.” Mark was no longer watching the seconds tick away from the banner timer. As the last sentence faded away, Will Ferrell faded in, looking directly into the camera, wearing a rumpled button-up shirt and jeans, and standing against an all-black background.
Hello, I’m Will Ferrell. Every year there are over half a million deaths caused by cancer in the United States, and more than one and a half million Americans are diagnosed with cancer. Together we can make a difference. Please visit the American Cancer Society’s website at www.cancer.org, and look for the link at the top that says “How Can I Make A Difference.” By clicking on that lin…IHATECANCERWHYDOESITEXISTPLEASEHELPYOUREATERRIBLEPERSONIFYOUDONTHELP.
The video ended with Ferrell wild-eyed, panting, and fading to black as the American Cancer Society’s web address appeared, followed by #IHATECANCER. Eventually the professor walked in, and not long after that a throng of students who all took seats in the first two rows, leaving Mark still unacknowledged at the back of the room. His stomach continued to growl, reminding him of his poor decision to skip breakfast. Before the professor began his lecture, Mark opened Twitter and posted, “why am i up so early. uggghhhhh. so hungry. im about to #FerrellFreakout if i don’t get some waffles. #IHATETHISCLASSWHYDIDNTIGOTOBREAKFAST"