After the meeting George returned to his office. He sat down at his desk, but wasn't ready to get back to work yet. Instead he reached into the top desk drawer and pulled out a small three inch by five inch black leather notebook. He removed the elastic band to hold it shut, poked the ball point pen out from between bent pages and opened it up. After staring blankly for a few minutes George began to write:
I slept like a baby...
I slept as a baby sleeps. He crossed it out.
I slept the sleep a baby sleeps. George quickly crossed out a baby sleeps and substituted of babes. He then scratched the whole line out.
As a baby sleeps, so do... Crossed out.
...I slept like a baby.
George had confidence in his aphorism. He couldn't disconnect the idea from the hundreds of babies he'd seen sleeping in the busiest and noisiest of places: the mall, grocery store, restaurants, the airport. George needed a convincing argument. He needed more insight into life with a baby. George picked up his phone and called his friend Jeff.
Hello.
Hey Jeff, it's George, how are you doing?
Hey George, I'm doing well, it's good to hear from you. What's going on?
Well, I came into work today and I had a little disagreement with my co-workers, nothing serious, but I wanted to run something by you.
Sure.
What would you think if I told you, I slept like a baby?
What happened?
What do you mean? Nothing happened, I slept like a baby.
Yeah, but, what happened? Something had to happen to make you sleep like a baby. I mean, that sounds terrible. Did you shit your bed?
What? No, why does everyone...It's supposed to be a good thing. I slept so well it was like I was a baby.
No. George. Babies are terrible sleepers. I have two daughters.
That's why I called you. See, I slept really well last night, I fell asleep pretty much immediately, and next thing I know I'm awake, even before my alarm goes off, but I felt great. I didn't have to get up to use the bathroom, the temperature was just right, there were no sudden noises; just twelve hours of pure blissful sleep. I mean, it may have been the greatest sleep state ever achieved by man. And so I thought to myself: this must be how babies sleep. That's why they're always asleep and impossible to wake up.
I think you may have slept for twelve uninterrupted hours because you suffered from a brain aneurysm.
What?
George, did you wake up and immediately hit your head on something?
No.
Was there blood dripping from your nose when you woke up?
No.
Right. Let me tell you what a typical night with two babies is like. The three month old wakes up every two and a half to three hours to eat, which is just enough time to make your body think you're about to get some rest. And when I say "wakes up," I mean "screams uncontrollably until you get a bottle," and to show you her gratitude for the bottle she'll then fart on you the whole time she's eating. The eighteen month old, sleeps through the night, I can't complain about that. But you know what I find when she wakes up in the morning? A diaper, onesie, and bed full of piss. She sleeps so well that she pees all over herself and doesn't wake up. You know who else does that? Alcoholics. So you're telling people you either wake up every few hours with terrible gas, or you sleep so well that you urinate all over your bed and don't wake up, not unlike someone who's been drinking all night.
I was taking more of a philosophical approach.
George, in the past eighteen months do you know what the latest I've slept in was?
Ten.
Seven thirty. AM. For the past eighteen months straight. For the past three months I've been waking up at least three different times to make a bottle. I don't think you could have come up with something more opposite of the meaning you're looking to convey if you tried.
Ok, point taken. I still think, from a philosophical perspective, if you think about how a baby has no worries, and can just fall asleep anywhere, it works. Besides, it's a nice sentiment.
It's a nice sentiment to anyone who's never had kids, and if you keep saying that to people, you're going to get a reputation.
I'm not even sure I know what that means.
I'm not either. Let's start over, maybe I'm being a little close minded.
Ok, great.
Hey George, how's it going? Did you sleep well last night?
Hey Jeff, it's going good, as a matter of fact, I slept like a baby last night.
George had been holding the receiver, waiting for a response, for about thirty seconds before he realized Jeff had hung up on him.